Boehner Rises Above Taint
Washington, D.C., February 13, 2006 -- Recently-elected House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) vowed tonight to "rise above the partisan taint" that has divided capitol hill in recent years.
House Majority Leader John Boehner vows he will rise above tainted government
Taliban Strengthen Grip on People's Republic of South Dakota
South Dakota-Nebraska Border Region, July 19, 2011 -- According to a classified report leaked by the Department of Homeland Insecurity, elements of the radical fundamentalist Taliban are reported to have gained significant ground in the rocky and windswept hillsides of the breakaway Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota.
Breakaway Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota
Bush Backs Investment Banker Bonus Bailout In Wake of Subprime Crisis
New York, December 7, 2007 -- President George W. Bush called today for Congress to address a "growing crisis in investment banker bonuses" in the wake of the subprime mortgage disaster.
President Bush speaking at AAWP annual Christmas dinner
Various Celebrities Reproduce, Wed, Sunbathe: An Avant News Exclusive Exposé
Hollywood, May 12, 2094 -- Shockingly, another week has gone by and it is once again time for the exclusive Avant News celebrity roundup, bringing you the juiciest, most prurient private details of the glamorous lives of your favorite familiar individuals. Our paparazzi and pepperoncini have been out in force this week, more than ever living up to their motto, "We do the stalking because you have to go to work". Let's get started!
Bird Flu Drug Tamiflu's Primary Ingredient Washed Out in Mudslides
Atlanta, April 22, 2009 -- With bird flu, also known as avian flu, now confirmed to have mutated into a form that can be transmitted human-to-human, international disease control agencies are concerned by a new report that virtually all of this year's star anise crop, a vital component of Tamiflu grown only in four provinces of China, has been wiped out in a series of mudslides brought on by unseasonably strong tropical storms in the region.
DiCaprio Delights in Crime and Punishment: The Little Raskol
New York, October 22, 2007 -- From curtain up to final bow, the merriment and music never fade throughout Malcolm Purino's fabulous new production titled Crime and Punishment: The Little Raskol, which premiered Saturday at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre on West 46th Street.
This hearty comedic remake of the classic novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky casts a bright new light on desolation, despair and moral imbroglios, spicing the bland fare of the Russian intelligentsia with a unique dash of American zest.
Polarization Fertility Experiment Goes Awry, Creating Magnetic Babies
Brush Canyon, Nevada, June 22, 2011 -- Reproductive scientists at the Bohnin Fertility Laboratory in Brush Canyon, Nevada, report that that an experiment into improving fertility through the ionic polarization of zygotes has resulted in some unintended side effects. Specifically, children conceived through the controversial polarization process display powerful, and seemingly permanent, magnetic qualities.
Magnetic sperm
Tactical Nuclear Weapons Approved for American Consumers
Washington, D.C., October 9, 2021 -- Marking what may be the final passage in a series of groundbreaking weapons bills, Congress yesterday signed into law the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill (H.R. 9985: To totally actualize the second amendment rights of all Americans), permitting the legal possession and use of tactical nuclear weapons for hunting and personal protection.
The Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill for the first time allows private citizens to safely, securely vaporize intruders, squirrels or fish
Ron Paul Sweeps Republican Primary Elections in California, New York
Sacramento, February 6, 2008 -- Republican candidate for president Ron Paul swept the primary elections in several key states on Super Tuesday. The candidate, who despite the support of a fiercely loyal virtual following who, while avid internet users, are generally too young or too anti-government to vote, had been trailing distantly in California and New York polls prior to Super Tuesday.
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul and his broom.
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