Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to Defuse North Korea's Nuclear Ambitions
Los Angeles, October 11, 2007 -- Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, three times voted leading members of the paparazzi "glutterati" squad, have been selected by President Bush to lead the diplomatic charge against North Korea's newfound nuclear club membership.
According to sources close to Ms. Hilton, the recently reunited pair will shortly travel to Pyongyang, North Korea, where they will commence production of The Simple Life 6: N & P at the DMZ.
"It's a perfect marriage," Ron Smegmer, a producer with E!, which picked up The Simple Life from Fox two years ago, said. "America has a real problem with North Korea now that North Korea has nuclear weapons. We need to send someone who can really demonstrate a capacity for diplomacy and forgiveness. And that person is Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie."
North Korea, which in the hope of engaging the Iraq-obsessed Bush administration in negotiations announced repeatedly from 2002 onward that it was developing nuclear weapons, finally gave up and exploded an estimated .2 kiloton warhead in an underground test in late 2006. The test resulted in an immediate international call for new, stronger sanctions against the insular Communist regime of Kim Jong Il, based on the collective notion that increasing the already critical level of desperation of the starving citizens of a rogue state ruled by a loopy megalomaniac would somehow make the loopy megalomaniac in question less likely to sell his weapons to the highest bidder at the first available opportunity.
"But so far that very sound strategy doesn't seem to be working," Filbert Froeling, assistant under secretary with the U.S. State Department for space exploration, deep sea mineral mapping, and North Korean affairs, said. "Even though we've had one person – me – dedicated part-time to the North Korean nuclear problem for well over a year – since the first of Kim Jong Il's publicly announced nuclear tests, in fact – I haven't yet been able to make them give up their nuclear weapons. I almost wish I'd been able to start talking to them a little sooner. It's really hard making international phone calls from Iraq. But I have high hopes for the Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie team."
According to Mr. Smegmer, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will be airlifted to Pyongyang, North Korea, next Tuesday to commence their diplomatic juggernaut and filming of The Simple Life 6. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, who were famous only in part for being well known, but primarily for their long-standing feud, are now very publicly the best of friends. That remarkable reconciliation is said by Mr. Froeling to be the primary reason for their selection as the leading members of the U.S. non-proliferation diplomatic mission.
"I really hated Nicole for a long time after she said my thighs looked fat," Ms. Hilton said. "That's why we fell out. I mean, like, if you get a bunch of friends over to watch my sex video, okay, just watch and enjoy. I mean, it's hot. It's not like she's a movie critic or something. And her thighs are a lot fatter. But we're really good friends now again. And if we can make each other be good friends together again, then why can't we make North Korea's leader be friends together with everybody else again too? It's a no-brainer."
"They won't actually be at the demilitarized zone, or DMZ," Mr. Smegmer said. "They'll be in Pyongyang where you can get a decent cup of coffee. But N & P at the DMZ sounds a lot better than Paris in Pyongyang, especially since everyone on earth has already seen Paris's Pyongyang."
According to Mr. Froeling, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have been given a menu of options by the State Department with which to confront North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.
"They're authorized to offer a choice between more sanctions, increased isolation, or the threat of nuclear annihilation in exchange for North Korea's renunciation of its nuclear program," Mr. Froeling said. "I think a person as rational as Kim Jong Il has consistently demonstrated himself to be will have the good sense to make the right choice and not sneakily try to sell a nuclear weapon to Al Qaeda or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Baghdad."
The Simple Life 6: N & P at the DMZ is slated to air on E! starting late next month.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Entertainment Correspondent
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