Pam Anderson Out-Pumps Arnold Schwarzenegger in California Governor Race
Sacramento, November 7, 2006 -- Pamela Anderson, the popular former Baywatch star, swimwear model, sex symbol and internet vacation video sensation, has trumped former body-builder and action movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger in the hotly contested race for governor of California.
Preliminary election results indicate Ms. Anderson, who ran a classic outsider campaign based on maximum exposure in the media, garnered an upset victory with 52 percent of the vote to incumbent Arnold's 44. Pam Anderson, who in keeping with recent California gubernatorial policy has no previous political experience, vows to "find out about civics and stuff" as soon as she completes her next round of collagen implants.
Pamela Anderson, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, is a naturalized United States citizen, another shining example of the American dream as exemplified in the story of a talentless immigrant who achieves staggering success through the simple strategic expansion of parts of his or her body.
Ms. Anderson said in her acceptance speech she will embark on an ambitious reform plan to help cure California of its fiscal and social ills "as soon as someone tells me what they are and how to fix them. Anyone?"
Outgoing Governor Schwarzenegger was elected a mere two years ago with the same solid "name recognition mandate" that has propelled other leading political lights such as President George Bush, Governor Jeb Bush and President George Bush to office in recent history, in a rare special recall election that ousted then-governor Gray Davis.
In claiming his victory at that time, Schwarzenegger capitalized on widespread popular outrage that Davis "wasn't even close to being a celebrity", a traditional prerequisite for the prestigious California post that has boasted such idols of stage and screen as former President Ronald Reagan, outgoing Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the revered five-day Governor Milton Slocum Latham, second understudy in the 1860 Los Angeles County Theater production "Bessie and the Banjo".
In his concession speech, Schwarzenegger, whose initially strong approval ratings dropped to 18 percent in the months leading up to the election largely due to the gradual discovery that he didn't have the foggiest idea how to run a state, blamed his failure on "not using the girly-men catch-phrase enough. Everybody loved the girly-men". Mr. Schwarzenegger added that he may consider a future run for president if the "constitutional tide turns in my favor".
Governor-elect Pam Anderson credits her stunning victory to a "taller celebrity totem pole than Arnold's" coupled with a brilliant underground viral marketing campaign that utilized such diverse media as the internet to help shape her image in the eyes of voters.
Unaffiliated with any political party, Pam Anderson had not even announced her candidacy until roughly three weeks ago, and that was in the form of a candid paparazzi video surreptitiously leaked to the mondohooters.com website that showed Ms. Anderson mouthing the words "I'm running for Governor", or something very similar, while trying on Spandex tube tops in a Rodeo Drive fashion outlet. Ms. Anderson's election marks the first time an undeclared write-in candidate has unseated an incumbent.
Some political observers credit the elections of both outgoing Governor Schwarzenegger and Governor-elect Pam Anderson to widespread voter apathy. According to Newt Drechsley, a political columnist for Pundito magazine: "Voters are so dumbed-down and anesthetized at this point, they simply don't care enough to look into the issues or where any particular candidate might stand on them. Instead, they vote on name recognition, five-syllable sound bites, or both. And that's a best-case scenario."
Governor-elect Pam Anderson confirmed this assessment, adding, "Duh."
Representatives of both the Democratic and Republican parties have stated they will begin circulating petitions with the intention of calling a new special recall election "as soon as sweeps week is over".
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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