Various Celebrities Reproduce, Wed, Sunbathe: An Avant News Exclusive Exposé
Hollywood, May 12, 2094 -- Shockingly, another week has gone by and it is once again time for the exclusive Avant News celebrity roundup, bringing you the juiciest, most prurient private details of the glamorous lives of your favorite familiar individuals. Our paparazzi and pepperoncini have been out in force this week, more than ever living up to their motto, "We do the stalking because you have to go to work". Let's get started!
Exclusive Avant News sources have revealed that a somewhat older female celebrity has shockingly wed a somewhat younger man. Similarly, two young women have married slightly older men, and at least three couples of approximately the same age, give or take a year or so, have tied the knot. Mazeltov!
Various celebrities have also filed for divorce from, in some cases, other celebrities. It's a real pity to see these great couples break up, but everyone knows they were wrong for each other from the beginning. Our sincere condolences, and better luck next time!
A large house was purchased this week by a well-known star, located in an exclusive residential district of a western metropolitan area. Our insider "snoop" has revealed that the numerous square foot home contains furniture, a wide range of electronic devices, including, although this is not yet confirmed, a bagel toaster, and art. We've also discovered a swimming pool and clothes.
The week saw major weight gain in about half a dozen celebs, and major weight loss in another six, equating to a total net gain/loss of zero. The gainers were reportedly "disappointed", while the lucky calorie-shedders were "pleased".
Sadly, several of our favorite celebrities are in hot water again this week due to drug issues. One celeb entered rehab to treat a pharmaceutical addiction. Another returned from rehab following treatment for a pharmaceutical addiction, and is feeling, to quote the celebrity's spokesperson, "much better." Kudos! An additional celebrity is currently incarcerated awaiting arraignment on possession with intent to sell charges, or possibly possession with intent to use, or possibly simply possession. Avant News cannot confirm the exact circumstances at this time, but we're fairly sure the circumstances will be a permanent blot on the celebrity's career. Let's hope by next week this house will be "clean".
THIS WEEK'S SHOCKER
Now it's time for the moment you've been waiting for ever since you read the previous heading: THIS WEEK'S SHOCKER. A celebrity recently successfully gave birth to a human child. This feat, which was achieved with the benefit of advanced modern medicine, may just be the "zing" needed to revitalize what had become a seemingly aimless and unfocused career slump. Congrats!
In related news, paternity suits have been filed up the wazoo this week, which might lead to some embarrassment and progeny for several fertile celebs. One maternity suit was also filed, but we're not sure yet which way the wind is going to blow on that one. You'd think there'd be some sort of visible evidence by now.
THIS WEEK'S SCANDAL
A shocking scandal this week, as a major celebrity was found to have been allegedly involved in an extramarital affair with a person presumed to be other than his or her wife/husband. Shame! Let's hope this bad boy/girl comes to his or her senses and works it out.
THIS WEEK'S SPINE-TINGLER
A member of the exclusive club of 300 million "people who are famous for being well-known" was recently trapped in a house, or an elevator, or a well, or a time-share interview, for an indeterminate time. He or she escaped without incident from the harrowing experience, and is reportedly feeling "much better". Another one may have been involved in some sort of altercation at a bar, or a restaurant, or something. It was pretty dramatic, anyway.
THE HOTTEST CELEBRITY PHOTOGRAPHY
Our dedicated photographic professionals have captured yet another exclusive and titillating photo spread for our loyal readers this week, featuring grainy celebrities at the beach, in their yards, standing on hotel balconies, waiting in line at the motor vehicle department, and getting latte. Don't miss a single snap of this exclusive private paparazzi action--catch all 32 pages in our special fold-out flyer insert (sold separately).
That's all for this week's celebrity exposé. Tune in next week when we dig even further into the private lives of public people to reveal the tax tribulations of one of our roundest musical stars, featuring this exclusive quote, "Who says doggies ain't deductible?"
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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