Tactical Nuclear Weapons Approved for American Consumers

Washington, D.C., October 9, 2021 -- Marking what may be the final passage in a series of groundbreaking weapons bills, Congress yesterday signed into law the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill (H.R. 9985: To totally actualize the second amendment rights of all Americans), permitting the legal possession and use of tactical nuclear weapons for hunting and personal protection.

The Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill for the first time allows private citizens to safely, securely vaporize intruders, squirrels or fishThe Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill for the first time allows private citizens to safely, securely vaporize intruders, squirrels or fish

While tactical nukes have been previously permitted under certain special conditions, the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill for the first time extends that right to all American citizens.

"We've been waiting for this one a long time," said Sally Ack-Ack, spokesman for the NWMDA (National Weapons of Mass Destruction Association, formerly known as the NRA). "The steps have been slow and incremental, but now, thanks to this judicious and far-sighted law, we can finally take full advantage of the Second Amendment rights guaranteed us under the United States Constitution. No longer will we have to become a convenience store owner or an elementary school teacher just to get our mitts on some of this tasty ordnance."

The Second Amendment referred to by Ms. Ack-Ack reads: "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." The amendment was intended by its drafters to ensure states the right to raise an armed force to protect against popular insurrection in the absence of a standing army such as the National Guard.

Given the continued presence of standing armies at both the state and national level, the amendment, which even the most cursory historical analysis proves was never intended to provide individuals with the right to own weapons outside of the context of a government-regulated militia, is justly considered largely irrelevant today.

"That's why this has been such an uphill climb," a delighted Ms. Ack-Ack said. "It's taken literally decades to get enough lawmakers to kind of ignore the first half of the amendment and just focus on the second half, but we've done it."

"Yippee," Ms. Ack-Ack added, tossing a legally-sanctioned live hand grenade in the air. Ms. Ack-Ack was unavailable for further comment.

Under intense pressure from organizations such as the NWMDA, the Republican-dominated Congress has successively enacted new laws and repealed restrictions on the individual possession and use of increasingly powerful weaponry over the past several decades.

These have included: the Screw Perforation law of 2009, which ruled that it was unconstitutional to prohibit incarcerated felons from carrying firearms while in prison; the Wide Open Arms law of 2012, which significantly broadened the definition of "arms" available for private use to include armor-piercing bullets, fully automatic weapons, flame throwers, howitzers, anti-tank weaponry, bunker-busters, land mines, plastic explosives and surface-to-air missiles, among others; the Bugs Don't Kill, People Do law of 2017, which further broadened the definition to include chemical and biological weapons for hunting and home protection; and finally the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill, passed yesterday.

"We're obviously delighted with the passage of the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill," said Lenny Fallaught, press spokesman for Lockheed Martin, a leading manufacturer of tactical nuclear weapons for both the military and consumers. "Not only does it further vindicate the rights of weapons enthusiasts around the nation, it also opens extensive new markets for our products."

Mr. Fallaught said Lockheed Martin hopes to sell up to 100,000 0.01-0.5 kiloton tactical nuclear weapons to American homeowners and hobbyists in the first year following the bill's passage.

"The only quibbles we have with the law as it stands now are the three-day waiting period, the cursory background check, and the yield restriction, which we find arbitrary and overly restrictive," Mr. Fallaught said. "The largest model we're allowed to sell won't do more than take out a couple of city blocks. That's really going to stick in the craw of some of the more gung-ho NWMDA members."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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