In Lucky Coincidence, Errant Spy Satellite Strikes Osama
Washington, D.C., February 22, 2008 -- An out-of-control American spy satellite that was due to be shot down this afternoon instead plummeted to earth and directly struck the cave hideout of international terrorist Osama bin Laden in Pakistan, killing him instantly, military officials reported today.
“It's what I would call an extremely happy coincidence,” Marine Gen. James E. Cartwright, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said.
“The three missile salvos we fired all went wide of the target, as expected, and we were jumping around the crisis center biting our nails and shrieking like frightened schoolgirls as we helplessly watched the school-bus-sized satellite hurtle toward the ground at 30,000 miles per hour. Imagine our relief when we learned it plonked straight into Osama's cave, vaporizing the bastard. That's an unexpected feather in all of our caps.”
Gen. Cartwright said that, contrary to rampant speculation, particularly on the Internet blogosphere, “no conscious effort had been made whatsoever to use the satellite as an anti-terrorist weapon. The execution of Osama bin Laden was merely a lucky side-effect of our incompetence coupled with a fortuitous trajectory.”
However, officials within the Bush administration were quick to seize upon the near-disaster as a potentially powerful new weapon in the Long Global War On Extremist Terroristic Conflict Activities.
“If it happened once, we can make it happen again,” Joshua Bolten, President Bush's chief of staff, said.
“Uncontrolled spaceborne school buses filled with toxic fuel might be just the silver bullet we've been looking for to get an edge in the global conflict. Based on the Osama hit, it seems the things want to seek out and crash-land directly on evildoers, and I say, let them. There's plenty more out there waiting to get smacked.”
Mr. Bolten said an expedited supplemental budget request seeking roughly $2 billion for "further exploration of the Random Terrorist-Seeking Crash Satellite Weapons System concept" will be sent to Congress within the next few days.
“Hey, if it works, use it,” Mr. Bolten said.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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