Man Swallows Bug
Indianapolis, August 29, 2007 -- An Indianapolis resident reportedly sustained serious injuries after swallowing a bug yesterday while riding his bicycle at high speed near the South Grove Golf Course. The victim, Walter Jacobsen, of Wynnedale, Indiana, was rushed to Wishard Memorial Hospital where he was treated for multiple contusions, trauma, and concussion. He is reported to be in stable condition.
Auditions Begin Today For Bush's Experimental New "Reality Cabinet"
Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Following the indictment and/or resignation in 2005 and 2006 of virtually the entire West Wing of the White House, President George W. Bush will be trying a new, experimental approach to governing for the remainder of his term with a so-called "reality cabinet" modeled on the popular format used by roughly 33,502 different, if hauntingly similar, television programs.
Limbo Eliminated; Status of Purgatory in 'State of Limbo'
Rome, Italy February 12, 2006 -- The new catechism of Roman Catholic doctrine that did away with Limbo and was approved by Pope Benedict XVI in the middle of December 2005 threw the state of Limbo into a state of chaos. This catechism changing the eternal residence for those souls included in both the Limbo of the Fathers (limbus partum) and Limbo of Children (limbus infantium) by moving them straight to Heaven has left many souls wondering what happened and why.
White House Identified as Source of Massive Issue Spam
Washington, D.C., September 22, 2006 -- Investigators with the FCC announced today they have conclusively determined the White House to be the source of the chatty pro-Bush and pro-Republican "issue emails" that clogged an estimated 164 million American email inboxes last week.
While the rules regarding unsolicited political email are even fuzzier than those detailed in the CAN-SPAM Act regulating commercial email, a spokesman for the FCC did not rule out the possibility that criminal charges would be pursued.
Former President George W. Bush Credited With Saddam Hussein Acquittal
Baghdad, Iraq, April 22, 2010 -- Yesterday's surprising acquittal of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein on all counts has been linked to policies and procedures developed and used by former president George W. Bush, Lionel Thrush, a legal analyst with the Legal Analysis Institute for Legal Analysis, said today.
Deposed dictator Saddam Hussein thanking former president George W. Bush for inadvertently orchestrating his acquittal
In Wake of Dr. Tiller Murder, Pro-Life Movement Sets Up Camp in Pakistan
Waziristan, Pakistan, July 22, 2009 -- After the emergence of a protest vacuum following the brutal slaying of Dr. George R. Tiller of Wichita, Kansas, the anti-abortion organization Operation Rescue led by Troy Newman has relocated to the rocky outcrops of northwestern Afghanistan in order to "refocus" their "pro-life" efforts.
Olympic Committee Says "Bring On The Drugs"
Singapore, August 29, 2011 -- Lorene Konigsburg, press spokesperson for the International Olympic Committee, announced today a significant change in IOC policy regarding "doping", the use of performance-enhancing drugs by athletes. Beginning with the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, there will no longer be any restrictions on the use of such drugs.
The policy shift, inspired in part by the increasing difficulty in detecting incidents of doping, is intended to help restore equality and a sense of excitement and competition to the games.
God Indicted in Absentia on Bird Flu Related Terrorism Charges
Washington, D.C., April 22, 2007 -- Following confirmed reports that the H5N1 avian flu virus has again been altered, making it even more resistant to anti-viral medications and increasing the risks of human-to-human bird flu transmission, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of God, the leading Suspect in what is now described as a global bio-terror conspiracy.
H5N1 avian flu virus strains (gold) prior to latest tweak by Hand of God: Photograph by C. Goldsmith/U.S. Centers for Disease Control
President Bush's State of the Union Address Unusually Frank, Honest
Washington, D.C., January 24, 2007 -- The State of the Union address delivered by President George W. Bush last night was marked by a dramatic departure from the accustomed norm of trumpeting exaggerated successes and presenting a tepid laundry list of future initiatives.
President Bush presents his 2007 State of the Union address
Washington observers believe the new direction for the State of the Union may be due to the failure of the poorly-received 2006 address to boost Bush's stagnant poll numbers.
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