Kobe Bryant Clones Debut in 100% Kobe Bryant- Derived LA Kobe Bryants
Los Angeles, November 3, 2023 -- Cloned progeny of legendary basketball superstar Kobe Bryant will at last be making their NBA debut this Sunday as the newly-launched LA Kobe Bryants meet local rival the LA Chamberlains at Staples Arena in Los Angeles.
Sports aficionados predict the unprecedented match-up between the gaggle of unruly 198cm Bryants and the fleet of towering 2.16m Chamberlains will be "too close to call", but total points scored in the game is expected to top 600, an NBA first.
The LA Kobe Bryants, a team consisting solely of 15 perfectly-matched cloned replicas of retired hoops legend Kobe Bryant, who also serves as coach, is a breakout franchise that has been incubating under wraps and high-level secrecy for the past 18 years. The brainchild of former LA Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss, the LA Kobe Bryants are expected to rout virtually all traditional contenders in early match-ups, but may face increasing competition as numerous new contenders formed of cloned scoring record-holders currently in production are rolled out over the next few years throughout the association.
"Let's face it, a traditional franchise like the Miami Heat or the Sioux City Siroccos won't stand much of a chance against a team built entirely of all-round masters and scoring dynamos like the Bryants," Dr. Buss said. "Things will only start getting really interesting when more full sets of genetically manufactured teams get out of full production. That's when competition will start to heat up in earnest."
Dr. Buss, who holds a Ph.D. in chemistry from the University of Southern California, personally supervised the cloning of Kobe Bryant in early 2006, following Bryant's dramatic 81-point scoring juggernaut against the Toronto Raptors. The cloning procedure was carried out by disgraced South Korean cloning scientist Hwang Woo-suk, who agreed to perform the experiment in an attempt to clear his name and reestablish himself as a world leader in the controversial process.
"My dream was to take the best of the best, replicate it, and store it like a fine vintage wine until it was ready to be uncorked," Dr. Buss said. "On Sunday, we're uncorking it, and you'd better hold on to your hats."
The cloned offspring of Kobe Bryant were incubated in the wombs of former Bryant associate Katelyn Faber and 14 of her friends and acquaintances, who were sequestered together in a top-secret Hollywood hills compound during the nine months of incubation, in return for an undisclosed sum. Ownership of the offspring, who under current cloning law are not considered legally human, is assigned to the LA Kobe Bryants' corporate entity.
"You see? Not fraud after all," said a beaming Hwang Woo-suk, his diminutive 70-year-old frame dwarfed by the towering forest of identical 18-year-old Bryants.
Local rivals the LA Chamberlains were created by an anonymous consortium of "industrialist basketball fans" using exhumed genetic material from the legendary Wilt Chamberlain in a similar cloning procedure. Commencement of production of the LA Chamberlains lagged that of the LA Kobe Bryants by nearly a year, however. Each Chamberlain is therefore only 17 years old.
"We're counting on our Bryants' all-round potential and greater experience to overcome the potential obstacle of all those lumbering Chamberlain giants," Dr. Buss said.
Additional teams expected to roll out over the next three to five years include the Denver Thompsons, the LA Baylors, and the Chicago Jordans. With the launch of the LA Baylors, Los Angeles will become the first city in the nation to host four individual NBA franchises.
"The only problem we foresee, and it's one that Coach Kobe has been working on during pre-season practice, is getting the Bryants to pass to each other," said Dr. Buss. "Still, with that kind of individual ability in each member of the team, maybe passing the ball's not all it's cracked up to be."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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