Pledging "Fresh, Clean Start", Disney Clones Britney
Burbank, CA, July 19, 2008 -- A spokesman for The Walt Disney Company, creator of erratic pop diva Britney Spears, said the company has decided to "cut its losses" and genetically engineer a new, improved Britney Spears using cutting-edge cloning technology.
"Britney Spears version I showed some initial promise," the Disney spokesman, Albert Squash, said, "but, as we and the purchasing public are all too well aware, the venture has decayed into a major liability. We came to the conclusion that our only option is to go back to the drawing board and genetically engineer a better, cleaner pop tart."
Mr. Squash said the new version of Britney Spears will be cloned using "some of the many DNA samples Britney has been scattering to the four winds during her roller coaster ride into the abyss", including hair, fingernails, offspring, and panties.
"Our scientists plan to take a close look at Ms. Spears' DNA and, if possible, excise the rehab, wardrobe malfunction, and unfit mother sections," Mr. Squash said. "They'll also be splicing in vocal and footwork DNA strands from someone who can actually sing and dance."
The result, Mr. Squash said, is expected to be a brand new, nearly identical Britney who can seamlessly replace the failing Britney Spears project and hopefully reenergize a disillusioned and increasingly unremunerative audience.
Dr. Singha Macker, head of the Clone Britney Project at Disney Laboratories in Burbank, California, said Britney Phase II is expected to near completion in early 2010.
"First, of course, we need to create a viable embryo using self-replicating cells from the original Ms. Spears," Dr. Macker said. "It took almost four months to make the cells do anything but sit around and mope and occasionally slink off to the detox wing of the Petri dish, but we're making good progress now."
Dr. Macker said Britney II will be grown at a vastly accelerated rate in a dish filled with "a special concoction of agar, lymph, cocaine and serotonin". The fetus is expected to mature at roughly 24 times the normal rate.
"Once the organism has reached Britney Spears version I's current age, we'll thin out the mixture and begin to transition the product over to traditional Britney food, such as Whoppers, tacos, and Twinkies," Dr. Macker said. "The organism should be self-sustaining at that stage."
Mr. Squash said Britney Spears II will be launched, if all goes according to plan, at a triumphant comeback tour of three Midwestern cities in the spring of 2010, in conjunction with an album release for which the songs, which will focus on spiritual rebirth and the nuances of life as a 20-something clone, are currently in the early stages of manufacturing.
"As for the prototype Britney Spears model," Mr. Squash said, "we don't have any specific plans. A member of my staff suggested selling it on eBay, but frankly I don't think that's worth the effort. Anyone who wants it can send us a postcard, I guess, and we'll see what we can do. You'll have to pay the shipping."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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