Leading Astrologer Confesses: "It's All Bunk"

Las Vegas, June 22, 2010 -- Zorothar, a leading astrologer with the respected International Coven of Prognosticative Stargazers, stunned the world's tabloid media yesterday with the admission that "everything we astrologers do is bunk, malarkey, nonsense and, frankly, complete bullshit."

Zorothar's statement, which has been roundly condemned by other members of the Astrologer's Union, is expected to have profound implications on the ability of believers in astrology to both plan and take responsibility for their lives, relationships, travel and clothing choices without a daily horoscope offering them vague indications that could equally well apply to any other human in the world, any day of the year. Coming as it does on the brink of an expected alignment of Venus' mound with the mystical third leg of Sagittarius, the consequences of the statement may be far-reaching.

"I just couldn't maintain the facade any longer," said Zorothar, whose astrological predictions are syndicated to over 1,300 tabloid newspapers around the world, reaching an estimated audience of nearly 140 million people. "It all stopped making any sense to me years ago, and I’ve just been cranking out my vague horoscopes more or less by rote."

Zorothar's non-specific predictions and horoscopes are believed to have profoundly influenced the behavior of millions, including famous film and television, stars, politicians, and musicians from presidents Reagan and Bush the Elder, to Christina Aguilera and Tom Cruise, over a period of decades. Critics of Zorothar are concerned that the announcement will have a crushing effect on their faith in the ability of distant clumps of exploding hydrogen to manage minute elements of their shopping and relationship choices.

"They’ll be lost," said Boron Sychovitzy, another leading astrologer who is highly critical of Zorothar’s announcement. "Plus, it's one thing for him to say that his own astrological predictions are bunk. It's another thing to say that mine are. I think he should know, by the way, that due to the current eccentricity of Mercury's orbit and its alignment with Alpha Centauri, there's a very good chance Zorothar will be spontaneously ejected from the planet Earth and spun helplessly into the furnace of the sun either tomorrow or the next day. I'm just saying."

Zorothar made his earth-shaking announcement during the commencement of the annual Worldwide Licensed Astrologers convention in Las Vegas, for which he was making the keynote address.

"Fellow astrologers," Zorothar said, "I think it is time to admit that we are nothing more than cynical scam artists who exploit the dull and gullible with patently obvious horoscopes that we simply make up, reuse, and plagiarize from each other. We know damn well that the arrangement of celestial objects light-years from earth has no effect on whether some pimpled moron is going to find happiness in a new friend. We know that at any given moment every single one of our readers may be 'entering a difficult weekend' or that is advisable to 'be frank and open in your concerns' or that you 'might have to nudge someone to lighten up a little'. Come on, people. These are the same doltish platitudes you get from a Dr. Phil. At least have the good grace to tell your readers that everything we astrologers do is bunk, malarkey, nonsense and, frankly, complete bullshit. The entry of Venus into Capricorn is not going to help them get a raise at work, or be more open and confiding."

Zorothar concluded his remarkable statement by resigning his chairmanship of the Astrologers’ Union with immediate effect.

"My hope is that people will start to believe in and take responsibility for themselves a little," Zorothar explained, "rather than going around thinking they are mindless automatons whose free will is dictated by the arrangements of distant clouds of gas and rock."

Zorothar, who said he was "glad to finally get that off my chest", plans to seek a new career in the field of political speechwriting.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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