Horoscope Correctly Predicts Demise of Taurus

Wakka Wakka, Texas, June 30, 2019 -- Astrological aficionados born in the months of April and May were briefly shocked yesterday to read a chilling prediction posted in the Dallas/Ft.Worth Rancher's Almanac. The horoscope entry, which according to horoscope specialists was an unusually categorical example of the genre, read, simply, "Taurus: You die today."

Taurus – astrological sign (no longer applicable to the living): Image: Digital Sky LLCTaurus – astrological sign (no longer applicable to the living): Image: Digital Sky LLC

Astrologers Lead Move to Shift Earth Three Feet to the Left

Fleetwood, Montana, April 19, 2010 -- The world's leading astrological organization is spearheading a movement urging that the Earth be shifted roughly three feet to the left to correct what the group calls a "slight predictive orbital discrepancy". By marginally adjusting the Earth's orbit, the group hopes to improve its overall predictive accuracy which is currently running at a rate just below that achieved by a standard monkey throwing darts at a prediction-covered wall.

Leading Astrologer Confesses: "It's All Bunk"

Las Vegas, June 22, 2010 -- Zorothar, a leading astrologer with the respected International Coven of Prognosticative Stargazers, stunned the world's tabloid media yesterday with the admission that "everything we astrologers do is bunk, malarkey, nonsense and, frankly, complete bullshit."

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