Cognitive Dissonance May Provide Cure To Non-Existent Global Warming
Albuquerque, January 10, 2011 -- Scientists at the respected Gray Matter Thinkorium in Albuquerque, New Mexico announced today the first successful test of a dramatic new method for generating clean, renewable energy using excess power from the human brain.
The technique, dubbed Neural Oscillatory Telegenesis (NOT), employs, in the words of chief researcher Alonzo Pinq, "cognitive dissonance, the source of a nearly constant supply of powerful, unused human brainwave activity" to generate virtually limitless quantities of emissions-free electricity.
"While conventional global energy supplies such as oil, natural gas, coal, nuclear power and so forth have been dwindling or falling out of favor due to their impact on the environment, geopolitics, security issues, and the threat of global warming, a new resource has been growing astronomically," Dr. Pinq said.
"That supply is cognitive dissonance—the brain energy created when human beings attempt or are forced to hold two or more separate and contradictory thoughts or beliefs in the mind simultaneously. Living in a so-called state of denial is perhaps the most classic example. So are the thought processes behind most forms of advertising."
"The best part is that if not dissipated through rational inquiry or changes in behavior, as is most often isn't, this is completely useless brain energy—it's a by-product," Dr. Pinq continued. "It's like having a car with two engines and two pairs of drive wheels facing each other from the front and the back, each running at full throttle. We can insert our technology into the middle — like where the center nine cupholders would be on an SUV, say — grab this energy and use it to power a clean, emissions-free turbine. The brains involved won't notice a thing."
The NOT energy can be harnessed via a simple cap-like device worn on the skull above the hair; or, as in the case of many politicians, beneath a power toupee. Energy is transferred to a thin tube down the wearer's back and converted to a viscous "gray goop", according to Dr. Pinq, collected in a comfortable power pouch worn around the midsection.
"Dissonants who fail to consciously relate overeating and lack of exercise to their obesity will hardly notice it," Dr. Pinq said.
The gray goop, which has an energy content more than 10,000 times that of oil and is emissions-free, can then be collected and burned in retrofitted conventional turbines to generate electricity.
According to Dr. Pinq, political, religious, environmental, social and scientific developments over the past decade have combined to create "a level of dissonance unsurpassed in at least the previous century, if ever."
"The threat of global warming is a perfect example," Dr. James Thimble, who performed early research for the study, said, "when the risks of inaction and the long-term gains from energy diversification so plainly outweigh any potential short-term losses, yet people continue to deny it.
"There are literally hundreds of individuals who persist in asserting that global warming is some kind of hoax or conspiracy, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. For some reason, these deniers cling to the idea that a figurative horde of millions of little green Martian scientists or something, technicians, environmentalists, politicians, businessmen, sane people, etcetera around the world are somehow working in a coordinated effort to dupe an obtuse and unsuspecting public."
"Theoretically, this purported conspiracy is trying to promulgate a global warming 'myth' in order to wrest control of the world's primary energy supply from the tiny cartel of corrupt, destabilizing and undemocratic dictators who control most of the world's oil; and, even given the absurd proposition that this fanciful conjecture were true, that this development would somehow be a bad thing. The energy created by that kind of dissonance is remarkable. If harnessed, it might be enough to replace the entire world supply of fossil fuels and defeat global warming all on its own."
A common reaction by most people to cognitive dissonance, at least in the past, would have been to seek out new information or ideas that can resolve the internal conflict in the brain, for instance when existing beliefs are proved wrong in the face of incontrovertible evidence. Alternative beliefs based on the new information provide a "consonance" that resolves the cognitive conflict, generally leading to happier, healthier mental lives and less erratic and irrational behavior.
"Luckily for those of us in the power industry, many Americans especially have by now been conditioned to accept a persistent conflict between what they choose to believe, and what is proven fact, as some sort of 'fact of life', or simply as a prerequisite for maintaining a kind of mildly schizophrenic comfort level within their social sphere. That's fine with us—more gray goop for the turbines," Dr. Thimble said.
Another example of cognitive dissonance, according to Dr. Thimble, lies in the multiple paradoxes inherent in many religious beliefs.
"When people experience a terrible disease, for example," Dr. Thimble said, "and pray for it to go away, and they are in fact cured, they may believe their prayers have been answered. They don't seem to consciously consider that if the omnipresent, omnipotent force to which they prayed did indeed possess the power and will to end the disease, then that same force, or God, or what-have-you, must obviously be the same one that caused or allowed them to be infected in the first place. Unconsciously, though, their brain goes right on working and makes that connection. Part of their mind knows, but their beliefs tell them otherwise. Bingo. Goop-time."
According to Dr. Pinq, intelligence is not a factor in the amount of energy that can be created by cognitive dissonance—in fact, in many cases, the reverse is true.
"Former president George W. Bush's cognitive dissonance alone, for example," Dr. Pinq said, "can produce about the equivalent of a small-scale hydroelectric plant, according to our preliminary measurements. If we can get him to wear the hat, that will have the happy side effect of increasing output even more, since he still won't believe it works even as we light up half of Kennebunkport with his goop."
The NOT project, however, is not without its critics. 2008 Republican presidential also-ran Mike Huckabee, who held a press conference together with failed 2008 Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback to denounce the project, was vociferous in his opposition:
"This kind of NOT stuff is the same kind of heretical thinking that led us Americans to the tragedy that people in this day and age is allowed to teach our children—our children!—that we was descended from some kind of a monkey instead of created by God 6,000 years ago like the Bible says. I ain't descended from no monkey," former Governor Huckabee hooted from a chair back while distractedly nibbling on lice plucked from the toupee of Senator Brownback.
Senator Mike Inhofe, a staunch global warming denier of long standing, also voiced his opposition:
"Global warming is a pernicious myth promulgated by a deceitful leftist liberal media conspiracy, and there ain't nothing dissonant about that", he said via spokesperson from Revelations General Hospital, where the former senator was recovering from simultaneous malaria, Ebola, typhus and West Nile Virus infections acquired while alligator-hunting off his propeller boat through the Oklahoma everglades.
"About 82 kilowatts each," Dr. Pinq said.
Members of the NOT project have formed a corporation that plans to produce and market NOT energy, initially during a small-scale, short-term startup phase.
"We're currently seeking high-output cognitive dissonants who would be willing, on a remunerative basis, of course, to participate in the initial rollout," Drew Shu, a vice president with NOT Energy Systems, said.
"We're particularly interested in the following kinds of individuals: so-called Culture of Life promoters who support the death penalty; people who think the Iraq war is reducing world terrorism; people who think cutting taxes will lower the federal deficit; people who are all about security but who are opposed to gun control; people who subscribe to 'intelligent design' but also believe they possess free will; people who think torture is the way to protect America's ideals of human freedom and dignity; and so on—you get the general idea."
"Anyone currently suffering from these kinds of high-resonance cognitive dissonance, please get in touch with our Human Plant Coordinators, who are now setting up offices all along the Bible Belt," Mr. Shu said. "Trust us—we'll pay you more than a penny for your unused thoughts."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
- Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman
- 5 Easy Ways to Quash Roomba Sentience
- Citigroup, Bank of America Announce ATM Instant Equity Exchange Program
- Study Finds Less to be Less, Not More, Than More
- Super Bowl XLIII to Feature Real-time Biometric Player Data
- AutoChat Fills the Solo Driver's Cell Phone Void
- Pledging "Fresh, Clean Start", Disney Clones Britney
- God Contrite About "Collateral Damage" in Huckabee Tornado Smite Attempt
- Poll Finds Some Americans "Do Not Always Lie" in Political Polls