Chronic Armpit Rash Source of George W. Bush Swagger
Crawford, Texas, June 22, 2059 -- The signature swagger of the late US President George W. Bush (2001-2009) was the result of a persistent armpit rash, newly discovered archival material shows.
Diaries, medical records and logbooks extracted from the sealed Bush Presidential Library, a small buried safe unearthed last week on live television by doddering supercentenarian former talk show host Geraldo Rivera, document a nearly ten-year history of eczema-like underarm irritation that routinely forced the irascible president to walk with a previously inexplicable arms-akimbo gait.
"Scholars have been trying to analyze for decades why a president with so very, very little to swagger about would walk with such an aggressive, cocky posture," Susan Murtorek, a behavioral psychologist at the National Historical Archives said. "The prevailing theory has been that the cocky gait was a form of over-compensation. The late president George W. Bush, who last week was voted the 2nd worst president of the past century (preceded only by his successor, the late president Newt Gingrich) tried to gloss over his failed record with a gutsy attitude. It's rather sad, really. But the armpit rash is a much better explanation. No one could be that self-deluded."
(The 5-week presidency of Newt Gingrich, voted the worst presidential tenure in history, ended in ignominy in early 2009, mere weeks after the taking of the Oath of Office, with Mr. Gingrich's arrest on multiple counts of "preemptive divorce polygamy", in which the momentary president was charged with attempting to divorce three seriously ill women simultaneously prior to actually marrying them).
According to Dr. Philip Walverne, a human and robotic dermatologist with the Washington, D.C. based Android Physicians Group, the Bush Library records demonstrate a history of armpit irritation that "forced the unfortunate president to raise his shoulders and force his arms to hang a few inches out from his body when he walked in order to prevent the underarm skin surfaces from rubbing together, thus irritating the rash."
Medical records unearthed in the buried safe containing all of Bush's presidential records tell a tragic tale of multiple doctor's visits, herbal and prescription medications, and even attempts at holistic healing.
"But nothing seemed to have worked," Ms. Murtorek said. "There's even a handwritten note in the late president Bush's Mickey Mouse diary recalling how he tried to grow some hair under his arms in the hope that it would provide some relief. That anecdote is substantiated by a faded prescription for Axillary Minoxidil, a specially formulated hair-growth medication for use in the underarm area."
Dr. Walverne, who has examined the extensive medical history of the late president, said he believes the original problem can be traced to a particular low-price brand of underarm deodorant used by Bush.
"It looks like he started using Smel-B-Gon brand underarm deodorant," Dr. Walverne said, "which by the way I wouldn't recommend to my worst enemy, sometime during his gubernatorial career in Texas. After his inauguration as president, pharmaceutical receipts show a stepped-up purchasing schedule, probably an attempt by President Bush to raise his confidence when dealing with foreign leaders by removing more and more potential body odor. The rash apparently started very early into his first term, as evidenced by photographs of the President during that time period. The swagger became increasingly pronounced right up until his hasty departure through the basement delivery entrance of the White House in early 2009."
"What I don't quite understand is why he didn't just stop using Smel-B-Gon when he started getting the rash," Dr. Walverne continued. "The irritation would have gone away immediately, I suspect. Granted, I'm not a psychologist, but when you start doing something that's causing harm, the sensible thing is to stop doing it. Instead, that guy just kept using more Smel-B-Gon. In my mind, that's a sign of either major self-destructive tendencies, or just a really profound level of imbecility."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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