Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain
New York, February 16, 2008 -- Jesus of Nazareth, popularly perceived as the Son of God, announced his endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama yesterday during a rare guest appearance on CBS' Late Show with David Letterman.
The appearance was the first time Jesus has returned to earth with the specific goal of endorsing a political candidate, several pundits and religious scholars agreed, and may in fact be the first recorded reappearance ever of the widely admired supernatural entity.
“It's extremely unusual for a celestial being to physically manifest him, her, or itself in corporal form to back a presidential candidate, particularly during the primary season,” Jacob Weisberg, editor of Slate magazine, said. “It's quite possible that what we're witnessing is a historical event that may provide just the momentum Obama needs to top that final hurdle. Jesus, like Obama, has a rare, iconic popularity that extends well beyond his base.”
Jesus, who was unshaven, long-haired and shabbily attired but appeared otherwise healthy and well-rested during the Letterman appearance, said his motives for endorsing Barack Obama were complex.
“I don't know that I can distill what I think of as the Barack effect into a few simple words,” Jesus said. “I rarely get involved in politics since my own quite painful brush with that sphere of human endeavor. But Obama does something to me. It's more like a feeling, a sensation of hope and optimism that I haven't felt, looking down on Earth, for many decades. It made me want to do whatever I could to help out. ”
Jesus said he was inspired by Barack Obama's legendary oratory skill and charm, but even moreso by the fact that many of Obama's political stances echo his own.
“When I hear him speaking, it brings me right back to the Sermon on the Mount, which I think was one of my greatest hits,” Jesus said. “All the things I talked about so long ago. Imagine how I felt watching those, if you don't mind me saying so, really groundbreaking ideas concerning how human beings should treat each other get co-opted, subverted, parasitized or ignored by generations of cynical scoundrels and hypocrites--until Barack Obama came along.”
“It's like I'm looking in a mirror, only, I have to hand it to him, I never really had the kind of massive crowd appeal Obama does,” Jesus said. “I was more of a stealth movement. If Barack had been alive two millenia ago, I'd probably have found myself playing second fiddle as a disciple.”
In related news, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse announced their collective endorsement of Republican presidential candidate John McCain. The Four Horsemen--Conquest, War, Pestilence and Death--made the announcement during their regular weekly guest appearance on Fox News together with conservative commentator William Kristol. The horsemen's horses--White, Red, Black and Pale--were also in attendance.
“We can't say John McCain's the absolutely ideal apocalyptic candidate for all of us,” Conquest said, “but between the Democrats and the Republicans, the choice is a no-brainer. War and I like him, but Pestilence would have preferred Romney due to the almost guaranteed corruption and economic breakdown another term or two of Bush-style economics would lead to, and Death wanted to hold out for Huckabee."
"In the end we decided to present a united front behind McCain," Conquest said. "He's our best hope under the circumstances for the total destruction of all living beings, man or beast.”
William Kristol was unfortunately unable to present his views on what may be a pivotal boost for the McCain campaign, up against significant odds against the wildly popular and Jesus-backed Obama movement, as he was eaten mid-interview by Death's horse, Pale.
“I'm sorry about that,” Death said. “Pale gets a little peckish during these manifestations, and Fox forgot to stock the green room again.”
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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