19 Year Old Diebold Technician Wins U.S. Presidency
Washington, D.C., November 5, 2008 -- In a dramatic development that has come as a surprise to pundits and the public alike, a youthful technician with Diebold, Inc. has emerged as the unlikely winner of the 2008 U.S. Presidential election. The president-elect, 19 year old Billy Pustule of Green, Ohio, reached via SMS at the garage apartment by his mother's house in which he currently resides, said he was "real psyched about being the president" and "had big plans for the inauguration party".
J. Lo., P.L.O. Swap First Initials
Jerusalem, June 22, 2007 -- Widespread pop diva Jennifer Lopez finalized her $87 million licensing agreement with the Palestine Liberation Organization, and the two parties will swap initials on Tuesday.
South Carolina Pumpkin Farmer Grows World's Smallest Pumpkin
Hephzibah, South Carolina, October 30, 2007 -- A Hephzibah, South Carolina pumpkin farmer wins this year's annual "World's Smallest Pumpkin" contest with a record-small 0.23 inch (0.5842 cm) diameter, perfectly formed miniature example of the popular pulpy orange Halloween seasonal fruit.
Ozzie Crenshaw's World's Smallest Pumpkin
The farmer, Ozzie Crenshaw, said he was "real excited" to have captured the grand prize at this year's prestigious event.
GM Reveals the 2011 HUMMER Wee
Los Angeles, November 22, 2009 -- Ailing automaker GM revealed a radical new direction for its troubled HUMMER brand with the launch today of the HUMMER Wee at the 2009 Los Angeles Auto Show.
2011 HUMMER Wee
The HUMMER Wee, according to GM spokesman Putney Shiphlick, "provides a winning combination of old-time machismo and trendy modern environmental do-gooderism".
McDonald's To Open First Lunar Franchise
Sea of Tranquility, March 22, 2015 -- McDonald's, the ubiquitous globe-girdling fast food purveyor, announced today it will be expanding its operations beyond the confines of the earth's atmosphere with the launch of the first lunar franchise. The move marks not only the very first non-terrestrial McDonald's retail dining establishment, but the first non-terrestrial commercial franchise of any kind whatsoever.
The McDonald's McMoon: Full McDonald's McMoon, viewed from rural Pork Knuckle, Idaho
Archeology Report: The Armstrong Tautologies
Wapakoneta, Ohio, July 21, 2069 -- Researchers exploring the recently reopened tomb of the late astronaut Neil Armstrong have happened upon a treasure trove of previously unknown recorded material that promises to conclusively resolve the long-standing question of the famous Armstrong tautology.
Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin (Buzz) Aldrin bicker over who gets to plant the flag
Bolton Banned For UN Canteen Brawl
New York, NY, October 19, 2005 -- Only two months into his controversial recess appointment as U.S. Representative to the United Nations, John R. Bolton is in hot water following fisticuffs at the UN canteen. Bolton's short record at the UN has been a rocky one, beginning on a low point with his official welcome address to the General Assembly, titled "No UN, No Cry", and culminating in yesterday's altercation.
Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc
Holy See, August 29, 2020 -- The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world.
Cave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discovered
President Bush 'Ownz' on Runescape
Washington, January 14, 2007 -- Prior to the November 7 midterm elections, many political analysts wondered how President Bush would handle the last two years of his presidency if the Democrats seized control of the Congress. Nearly all agreed it would be a lonely time for a President accustomed to being surrounded by friends in Congress. None of the analyst's observations included the possibility that President Bush would retreat from the world stage to the world of online gaming.
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