Ali Baba Archeologists Unearth Saddam's WMD

Tikrit, Iraq, April 30, 2338 -- Archeologists excavating near the Iraqi town of Tikrit last week were startled to discover what may at last be solid evidence of Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, or WMD, over 334 years after they were last mentioned publicly.

Harriet Miers Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings: Transcript

Washington, D.C., November 16, 2005 -- Following is the complete transcript of the Harriet Miers confirmations hearings held by the Senate Judiciary Committee November 7-15, 2005. Following the confirmation hearings a decision will be made by the Committee regarding whether or not to recommend Harriet Miers, a born-again former Texas lottery supervisor, to the full Senate for confirmation as Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court.

The complete transcript follows:

Transcript begins -----

39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest

Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.

Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.

President Clinton Jails 938,000 Illegal Enemy Combatants

Washington, D.C., February 2, 2009 -- A mere two weeks into her tenure, President Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced a sweeping roundup of illegal enemy combatants, the first step in a comprehensive program designed to protect the American people from potential terrorist activities.

In accordance with the Military Commissions Act of 2006, the nearly one million detainees will be held indefinitely without trial or recourse to legal counsel until such time as the President determines they no longer pose a threat to the United States and its allies.

FEMA Posts New Avian Flu Awareness Pages on Ready.gov

Washington, D.C., December 12, 2005 -- The Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency (FUBAR) has posted a new consumer preparedness section on its Ready.gov "Panic Now Before We're All Dead" site dedicated to improving citizen readiness in the likely event of a near-certain imminent deadly bird flu outbreak. Michael Brown, former FUBAR head and currently sub-assistant layout coordinator for the Ready.gov site, said, "It's a real hit. This site tells you everything you need to know to get ready for an avian flu epidemic. Pandemic. Epidemic? Does anybody know what the difference is?"

Astrologers Lead Move to Shift Earth Three Feet to the Left

Fleetwood, Montana, April 19, 2010 -- The world's leading astrological organization is spearheading a movement urging that the Earth be shifted roughly three feet to the left to correct what the group calls a "slight predictive orbital discrepancy". By marginally adjusting the Earth's orbit, the group hopes to improve its overall predictive accuracy which is currently running at a rate just below that achieved by a standard monkey throwing darts at a prediction-covered wall.

Bush Announces Global Air Conditioner Initiative

Washington, D.C., February 28, 2006 -- Following the near-complete destruction of the White House last week in Hurricane Florence, President Bush performed a virtual about-face and announced today a new proactive administration position on what he termed "the war against earth heating".

No Stem Cell Treatment Pledge Signers In Right to Die Dilemma

Washington, D.C., June 29, 2007 -- Several of the small group of stem cell research opponents who signed the controversial "No Stem Cell Treatment Pledge" last fall are now embroiled in a legal dilemma since contracting various terminal diseases, all of which can be easily cured using medical procedures developed through embryonic stem cell research.

Rod and Reel Method May Save International Space Station

Washington, D.C., May 22, 2021 -- A groundbreaking new orbital transportation technique announced by NASA today may hasten the long-delayed completion of the International Space Station (ISS).

Astronaut Chrissie Buglebong attaches prototype rod and reel device during a dry run simulationAstronaut Chrissie Buglebong attaches prototype rod and reel device during a dry run simulation

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