Ford, GM to Acquire Each Other

Detroit, August 19, 2009 -- Automotive giants Ford Motor Company (F) and General Motors (GM) galvanized American stock markets early this afternoon with nearly simultaneous hostile bids to acquire each other.

Ford was out first, issuing a bid to buy all outstanding shares of GM for $40 a share, a 30% premium on Friday's closing price. Mere seconds later, GM announced a bid to acquire Ford for $9 a share, a 35% premium. Shares in both industrial giants skyrocketed during the subsequent buying frenzy.

Stocks Tumble on Self-fulfilling Prophecy Fears

New York, March 12, 2008 -- Worldwide stock markets fell sharply today on fears investors may react negatively to widespread nervousness regarding the potential for a downward market trend. The steep drop during morning trading led to a broad tumble across all major sectors, with panicky investors interpreting the fall as an indication of a setback in investor confidence.

Stock Markets Close as Global Earth World Planet International Buys All Shares


By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer -- New York City, February 21, 2038 -- As the bell rang to close the trading session today at the New York Stock Exchange, board members of Global Earth World Planet International (GEWPI) celebrated with toasts of sparkling wine at an undisclosed location. They had reason to celebrate as their privately held consortium had just completed a two-week buying spree of all outstanding shares in every publicly traded company across the world.

NSA Domestic Spy Team Wins US Stock Traders Challenge For 4th Consecutive Year

Washington, D.C., April 9, 2008 -- Employees of the NSA (National Security Agency) won the coveted Federal Stock Traders Challenge for the 2008 season yesterday, marking the fourth straight win for the secretive communications surveillance agency.

NSA headquarters, Fort Meade, Maryland: Approximate location of NSA Headquarters, Fort George G. Meade, MarylandNSA headquarters, Fort Meade, Maryland: Approximate location of NSA Headquarters, Fort George G. Meade, Maryland

Bill Frist Explains the Blind Trust (and Announces Presidential Candidacy)

Tachs-Yelter, Utah, December 22, 2005 -- Hi, Avant News Readers. I'm Senator Bill Frist, a United States Senator from the great state of Tennessee. Best of all, I'm Senate Majority Leader, which means I'm the most important of all the white male millionaires in tailored suits tasked with acting out the people's will until I get indicted, which we all know might not probably happen anytime soon.

Whirlpool Stocks Soar on Back of Macrowave Non-Oven

Washington, DC January 17, 2011 -- Whirlpool (WHR: NYSE) stocks surged fifteen percent today on the release of their latest “must have consumer appliance,” the Macrowave Non-Oven™. The Whirlpool Corporation, marketers of Whirlpool, KitchenAid, Brastemp, Bauknecht, Consul and other major brand names, has seen its marketshare decline in recent years and has put all it can into this appliance that can be used to quickly chill foods and beverages.

“The Macrowave will do to refrigeration what the microwave did to cooking” said Whirlpool CEO Edmund Silver in a press conference today.

Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.

Syndicate content