Top Spammers Launch Internet Bank/Pharmacy
Cyberspace, April 16, 2014 -- An international coalition of leading email spammers announced today the launch of the first combined web-based virtual bank/pharmacy. The launch was made public through a proactive marketing campaign consisting of 19.6 trillion personal email messages with subject lines such as "Fw: Cia:|is & Via:gra", "RE:RE We want approve yours loan osd" and "Diamond Equities pseudotropine wyoming spiffily" delivered directly to the inboxes of grateful consumers.
"We're very excited about our new offering," said Elrod P. Porkhead, director of the new enterprise, communicating via a series of cryptic emails with forged reply-to addresses. "To our knowledge, this is the first time a coalition has joined to leverage the synergies inherent in a joint virtual banking and online pharmaceutical operation.
Mr. Porkhead said the new bank/pharmacy will be a "one-stop internet shopping emporium for homeowners seeking to refinance their mortgages and at the same time benefit from the latest medical advances in erectile dysfunction or penile enhancement. It's win-win."
The new online bank/pharmacy, named Re:FW:Refi-vi'agr_a Ltd., was created by a consortium of six of the most prolific and successful international purveyors of bulk unsolicited commercial email, also known as spam. Together, the six spammers are responsible for over one third of the estimated 4.5 billion unsolicited commercial emails received by appreciative internet users worldwide every day. The Mauritius-based company is privately held.
"In addition to useful medications such as cialis, viagra and human growth hormone and our pre-approved mortgage loans, which we'll be offering at very competitive rates, you'd be amazed how many relatives of deposed leaders in Nigeria, Sierra Leone, Sudan, and so forth there are out there," said Mr. Porkhead. "Many of them need external assistance to recover their assets from offshore banks. With our Re:FW:Refi-vi'agr_a Ltd. personal banking department, we will help find foreign go-betweens to act as intermediaries in exchange for a percentage of the recovery."
Mr. Porkhead said the company plans to rely primarily on "viral marketing" to get their message out.
"I'm thrilled about the new company," said Tubby Whancker, a New York-based investment analyst. "At the moment, every time I open my email inbox I'm confronted with an embarrassment of riches. There are so many great new offers in there every day – prescription-free cialis soft tabs, increased stamina, cures for my penile inadequacy – that I generally don't know where to start. I think putting all these things together under one virtual roof is a stellar idea."
The Re:FW:Refi-vi'agr_a Ltd. company was made possible in part by a relaxation of FTC regulations governing spam following the appointment of Dick Leslie, a consortium member and major republican supporter who has lobbied extensively on behalf of spammers, to the top FTC post by President Jeb Bush last year.
"The CAN-SPAM Act of 2003, even though it was an unenforced laughable joke of an excuse for a regulation, still, I think, gave some consumers the wrong impression that there might be something wrong with spam," said Federal Trade Commission Chairman Leslie. "Now that I'm head of the FTC, we'll be working to educate consumers about the many short- and long-term benefits of unsolicited commercial email. Mostly it's about jobs for hard-working people."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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