Electric Goldfish Makes Waves In Robotics

Osaka, Japan, August 22, 2007 -- Engineers at Daikyo-Tonabayashi have confirmed the production of the first robot goldfish, years ahead of schedule. Recent developments in nanotechnology and the introduction of the Sentium microchip 80747 have made possible a breakthrough of extraordinary magnitude: a fully operational electronic tropical companion.

Creationist Paleontologists Discover Dinosaur Saddle

Mud Flaps, Arizona, March 29, 2006 -- A team of creationist paleontologists from the Discovery Institute's main field research arm announced today that they had discovered the remains of a large manmade object confirmed to be an ancient dinosaur saddle.

Dinosaur saddle discovered by Discovery Institute paleontological expedition near Mud Flaps, ArizonaDinosaur saddle discovered by Discovery Institute paleontological expedition near Mud Flaps, Arizona

Social Networking Site Digg.com to Replace Traditional Voting in 2008 Elections

Cybersparks, Nebraska, April 12, 2008 -- The popular community-driven news, technology and entertainment site Digg (www.digg.com) has been selected to serve as a novel replacement for traditional paper and electronic ballots in the upcoming November elections.

Digg.com usayay2008.digg.com voting interface screenshotDigg.com usayay2008.digg.com voting interface screenshot

Chief Justice Roberts Jolts Court With Witch Trial Push

Washington, D.C., February 11, 2006 -- United States Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. startled observers and fellow justices yesterday by calling for the Supreme Court to spearhead a new struggle to root out, prosecute, and punish witches. While it is rare and, according to some constitutional scholars, unethical for a member of the Supreme Court to assume such an overtly activist position on any particular issue, Chief Justice Roberts, in announcing his initiative, said "I don't give a rat's posterior. If you don't like it, fire me."

Study: American Celebrities Now Outnumber Fans

Los Angeles, March 19, 2010 -- Andy Warhol's famous phrase, “In the future, everyone will be fat and slightly stupid,” correctly prognosticated two alarming social trends that have led to a sharp rise in the incidences of heart disease, diabetes, right-wing talk radio and other obesity-related maladies among the ever-larger American populace.

What the eccentric 1960s pop artist failed to predict, however, is another trend that now has sociological statisticians scratching their unkempt scalps: the remarkable rise in short-term celebrity status among citizens from all walks of life.

McDonald's To Open First Lunar Franchise

Sea of Tranquility, March 22, 2015 -- McDonald's, the ubiquitous globe-girdling fast food purveyor, announced today it will be expanding its operations beyond the confines of the earth's atmosphere with the launch of the first lunar franchise. The move marks not only the very first non-terrestrial McDonald's retail dining establishment, but the first non-terrestrial commercial franchise of any kind whatsoever.

The McDonald's McMoon: Full McDonald's McMoon, viewed from rural Pork Knuckle, IdahoThe McDonald's McMoon: Full McDonald's McMoon, viewed from rural Pork Knuckle, Idaho

In Wake of Dr. Tiller Murder, Pro-Life Movement Sets Up Camp in Pakistan

Waziristan, Pakistan, July 22, 2009 -- After the emergence of a protest vacuum following the brutal slaying of Dr. George R. Tiller of Wichita, Kansas, the anti-abortion organization Operation Rescue led by Troy Newman has relocated to the rocky outcrops of northwestern Afghanistan in order to "refocus" their "pro-life" efforts.

Windows Vista Startup Music Designed on Macs

Seattle, February 27, 2007 -- Microsoft Corporation refused to comment today on the embarrassing revelation that the new Windows Vista "startup music", the musical vignette that is played to calm and distract users while waiting for the operating system to boot up, was created exclusively on Apple computer systems.

Windows Vista logoWindows Vista logo

The inflammatory tidbit was reportedly let slip during an off-the-record interview of a composer on the 20-member team that worked for 18 months to create the harmonic snippet.

Pat Robertson Vaporized By Asteroid Apophis

Lexington, Virginia, April 13, 2029 -- Pat Robertson, the aging former televangelist and radical Christian conservative, was struck and killed today by the widely-feared Apophis asteroid in a freak accident veteran observers are terming "an act of God".

God's Green Acres nursing home, Lexington, Virginia (after Apophis asteroid impact)God's Green Acres nursing home, Lexington, Virginia (after Apophis asteroid impact)

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