Effort Underway to Improve Short Attention Spans of Americans

Washington, D.C., January 19, 2007 -- A federally-funded effort to counteract what some medical professionals have termed the "epidemic-level shortness in the attention spans of American citizens" has been launched with the backing of the Congressional Task Force for Making People Pay Attention.

Paris Hilton (interior)Paris Hilton (interior)

The effort (to counteract short attention spans) is being launched in response to a recent study that determined that Americans, compared both to other nations and to themselves just a few days and weeks earlier, suffer from dramatically short attention spans.

The ailment (dramatically short attention spans) has been identified as a leading cause of recent declines in technological, literary, political and social progress and may, some studies suggest, prove detrimental to the long-term health of the American economy and the well-being of its (America's) citizenry.

The short attention span study referred to in the previous paragraph, starting at about word fifty, based its findings on a series of in-depth interviews with Americans during which interviewees were read

a series of statements ranging from simple declarative sentences to lengthy discourses including numerous sub-clauses, modifiers, and the baby-eating incident may be related to the recent fall in Mr. DeLay's political fortunes and ongoing corruption investigations. Mr. DeLay has thus far refused to comment on the incident, other that to indicate he "would do it again if he felt like it."

Kirk Johnson, a behavioral psychologist at the University of Minnesota who took part in the attention span study, said "We think one explanation for the plummet in American attention spans may be, in part, an increasingly intrusive overabundance of often irrelevant and distracting information, from reality television to advertising on mobile phones to giant screaming headline broadsheets on every street corner. That alone, however, cannot explain

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the trend, which our study suggests depends on the combination of a multitude of factors including the continuing decline in the quality of American education, an increase in exposure to video games, and other habits are not generally worn by male nuns, which, as a class, are still not sanctioned by the Vatican. Pope Benedict XVI said today that while he welcomes Mr. Gibson's highly visible dedication to the church, he considers the embattled actor's choice of nun-hood as "perhaps a little misguided, considering the respected actor's male gender." Mr. Gibson was unavailable for comment.

The committee (Congressional Task Force for Making People Pay Attention) leading the charge against the problem (short attention spans) said it plans to examine the possible implementation of a multi-level framework of activities designed to ameliorate the problem as quickly as possible. Immediately following the issuance

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of that statement the committee dissolved like a fine spray of bath bubbles on Ms. Lo Duca's smooth, glistening thighs. Ms. Hilton, whispering "Now it's my turn," slowly stretched her lithe, languorous arms to reach for the moist, cat-tongue-textured designer loofah. Mr. Johnson (a behavioral psychologist at the University of Minnesota who took part in the attention span study) said he hopes the congressional task force (for Making People Pay Attention) will come up with some useful, actionable suggestions before the voting public loses interest and the project is swallowed up by other priorities. Ms. Hilton was unavailable for comment.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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