GOP Moves to Add Nine Months to Official Age of Americans

Washington, D.C., August 22, 2008 -- A powerful anti-abortion phalanx of the Republican congressional majority has launched an initiative toward redefining age based on the group's fundamental "life begins at conception" premise. The initiative, if passed, will have the effect of adding approximately nine months to the official age of every American.

"We think you're either in for a penny or you're in for a pound," said Senator Bill Frist (R-Tennessee), speaking by cell phone from the Martha Stewart wing of the Alderson Federal Prison Camp where he is currently serving a two-year sentence for insider trading. "We believe life begins at conception, and now we're damn well going to legislate that belief. That's why we're the party of honor and integrity. And would somebody tell my wife to send some more cartons of cigarettes? My bunk-mate's getting crazy-eyes again."

The new law, if passed, may have profound short-term implications on the already fragile structure of American society. Redefining the age of all Americans will likely result in an abrupt and destabilizing across-the-board "generational shift", according to Peter Bean, a statistical analyst with the Brookings Institution.

"If this plan goes through, we'll be looking at quite a few factors that may stretch American resources to the virtual breaking point," said Mr. Bean. "For example, many children who are legally required to start school at the age of five will suddenly have been truants for up to nine months. Their parents, therefore, will be immediately arrested and the children entered into remedial first grade programs as wards of the state.

"Thousands of fifteen-year-olds, as defined under the current rules and depending on which state they live in, will suddenly become sixteen and eligible to take a driver's test. Seventeen-year-olds will become eighteen and thus legally permitted to buy alcohol, vote, marry, join the military, and surf for internet porn.

"For wealthy Americans, a large number of trust funds will suddenly be transferred to twenty-year-old trustees who were meant to receive them at the age of twenty-one, leading, no doubt, to a short-term spending spree that may temporarily boost the economy but which, according to our analyses, will be followed shortly thereafter by large numbers of defaulted credit cards.

"And, of course – and I think this aspect may have been overlooked by the group pushing for this legislation – the same kind of thing will be happening at the other end of the spectrum. Everyone who is currently 64 and at least three months old will suddenly become 65, and thus eligible for Medicare and subject to mandatory retirement rules. That may cause an unbearable strain on the economy."

According to Bill Frist, the Medicare and retirement issues have been taken under consideration by Republican lawmakers.

"We'll just axe the program," he said. "I think by the time you're 65, you should damn well know how to take care of yourself. And our friends at General Motors and Ford are tickled pink about the opportunity to unload some of their deadwood a few months early without even having to notify the unions."

According to Senator Sam Brownback, (R-Kansas), a co-sponsor of the legislation, "birth" will be redefined in legal terms to represent the "birth of the soul", which is believed by the group to occur in the same instant that a sperm penetrates the outer wall of the ovum.

"Birth certificates will have to be re-printed to reflect this," he said. "which will cost a bundle, but we're pretty confident we can squeeze the funds out of one of the safe sex programs, which are contrary to our beliefs anyway. Of course, there's going to be a lot of paperwork involved in tracking every single instant of conception, since a large percentage of those don't even get as far as the point where a fetus attaches to the uterine wall, but we're confident new technologies will be able to handle it. We already have Amgen, the biotech company, working on a special uterine implant that can connect to a wireless birth certificate printer near the bed, thus offloading a big part of the administrative burden to Americans themselves. If menstruation follows, the system will automatically crank out a death certificate as well."

"To ensure that the new 'birth' certificates are correct, we'll also need verification of the exact moment of conception," continued Brownback. "Thus, we'll be attaching an amendment to the bill that will require all acts of conception to be performed in front of a video camera and with a clock and newspaper clearly visible. The video is then submitted as evidence along with the application for a new certificate. I'll be reviewing these personally to ensure that they conform to the strict new regulations."

The proposed legislation has met with mixed reviews by the public and lawmakers on the other side of the aisle.

"It's yet another completely nutty election-year sop to religious conservatives," said Senator Dianne Feinstein, (D-California), "but we've long come to expect nothing less from our honorable zealots on the right."

"I think it's great," said Tricia Wamper, a seventeen-year-old high school junior from Gary, Indiana. "If this goes through, I can finally start buying booze, clubbing, driving, all without even using my brother's ID, who doesn't even look like me. Goodbye, fake mustache."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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