Cheney Showcases New Detainee "Gimp Suit" Torture Apparel

Washington, D.C., January 12, 2006 -- Vice President Cheney, who remains one of the most strident voices in the Bush administration pushing for relaxed guidelines on the treatment of so-called detainees, appeared at the White House Rose Garden yesterday wearing the gimp suit that he is now championing as a potential cornerstone of "coercive interrogation", the administration code phrase for torture.

Cheney said he had tested the gimp suit on several lower-level White House staffers and recalcitrant cabinet members at one of his undisclosed locations and had found it to be "surprisingly effective."

Cheney has long been a vocal champion of the unrestricted use of torture in the interrogation of detainees, the large and growing groups of frequently random individuals rounded up by the Bush administration, held without charge nor legal or human rights for years at a time, and questioned for information that might be useful in the administration's ongoing "War on Falling Public Opinion Ratings".

Despite the fact that the administration's contravention of both American law and international treaties regarding the humane treatment of prisoners has been repeatedly proven directly counterproductive in the United States' purported counter-terrorism efforts, Cheney has "stuck to his electrodes" and continues to make the case that "these dirtbags might have nothing to do with anything, but if they do, we're going to damn well squeeze it out of them," adding, with his usual diplomatic flair, "and those Amnesty jerks can kiss my undisclosed location."

Cheney's newest weapon in the "War on Human Rights" is a full-body reinforced latex gimp suit of the kind popularized by Quentin Tarantino's confusing and strangely overrated film Pulp Fiction. According to the colorfully caustic Vice President, the gimp suit "kills a shitload of birds with one stone".

Cheney says the suit almost immediately places virtually any wearer in a "highly submissive state of mind"; the full-body and face covering provides "anonymity, particularly from do-gooder busybodies like the Red Cross", at the same time that it effectively conceals "welts and burns such as are incurred during a typical interrogation session." Additionally, the suit's numerous straps, chains and buckles make "complete immobilization, even for long periods of time, a breeze."

Using one of the many covert quasi-legal Defense Department slush funds set up over the past few years by Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld while American lawmakers were out getting coffee, the Vice President has already personally placed a $260 million order with Halliburton Gimp Suits LLP (Panama), including $80 million in delayed kick-backs, for 500 gimp suits. Cheney said he plans to deploy the suits throughout the secret gulag-style detention camp network that has been established throughout Eastern Europe and elsewhere by the CIA under the direction of Cheney to evade both American and international detention, prisoner abuse and interrogation laws.

At his Rose Garden appearance, the gimp suit modeled by Cheney appeared to fit remarkably well despite the Vice President's rotund and flabby frame. Cheney explained that Halliburton will be manufacturing the suits in several sizes to accommodate detainees of varying height and girth. He amended that the one he was wearing during the appearance, however, was "custom tailored. You know, for testing purposes and crap."

Cheney, who lacks consistent administration support for his frequent and gruff demands that specific rules set out in the Army Field Manual be scrapped in connection to the interrogation of suspected "foreign terror suspects", "domestic unfriendlies" or "rival political parties and hostile judges" is now pushing for an amendment to the regulations to include the use of the gimp suit. He suggested that live testing of the gimp suit itself may be useful in securing the necessary support.

"In my experience," said Cheney, "you find out what's legal and what works and then you go with it. And if your poll numbers are still low, you just torture and kill people until you feel a little better."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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