Avant News

Hillary Vows to Press On in Face of North Carolina, Indiana Primary Setbacks

Wed, 07 May 2008 07:16:20 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Raleigh, North Carolina, May 7, 2008

Hillary Clinton told a crowd of several enthusiastic supporters tonight, "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" after early results indicated she had lost the North Carolina primary election to Barack Obama in a landslide, and marginally squeaked by in the Indiana primary.

In Lucky Coincidence, Errant Spy Satellite Strikes Osama

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 12:47:10 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Washington, D.C., February 22, 2008

An out-of-control American spy satellite that was due to be shot down this afternoon instead plummeted to earth and directly struck the cave hideout of international terrorist Osama bin Laden in Pakistan, killing him instantly, military officials reported today.

John McCain Politely Refuses Mitt Romney Endorsement

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:13:26 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Alexandria, Virginia, February 14, 2008

Republican presidential candidate John McCain said tonight he appreciated Mitt Romney's endorsement of his candidacy, announced just hours ago, but that it would undermine virtually every aspect of his straight talk express if the 72-year-old senator were to accept the accolade.

Candidate McCain Vows Not To Repeat Mistakes of 2000, 2008, 2012 Campaigns

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 15:06:13 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
West Palm Beach, Florida, January 12, 2016

Republican candidate for president and former senator John McCain, speaking at a campaign rally at the Heaven's Anteroom assisted living facility in West Palm Beach, Florida, today assured potential voters his 2016 campaign for president would not be plagued by "the admitted missteps, blatant pandering, and woeful errors in judgment" that characterized his three previous attempts to reach the Oval Office. The assertion was met with skepticism by the some of the several rally participants who remained awake long enough to hear portions of the speech.

Actuary Diagnosed with Morbid Fear of Everything

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 16:54:55 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
St. Louis, Missouri, December 9, 2014

Gibber Quake, a high-ranking employee of the actuarial firm of Trembal, Schuder and Blanche, was diagnosed today with Morbid Fear of Everything, a spokesman for the St. Louis, Missouri company said today. Mr. Quake had raised concern among his fellow employees when he failed to show up for work for 29 consecutive weeks following the release of TSB's latest risk analysis for the insurance industry's annual Death Becomes You convention in Salt Lake City, Utah, earlier this year.

Pledging "Fresh, Clean Start", Disney Clones Britney

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:01:05 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Burbank, CA, July 19, 2008

A spokesman for The Walt Disney Company, creator of erratic pop diva Britney Spears, said the company has decided to "cut its losses" and genetically engineer a new, improved Britney Spears using cutting-edge cloning technology.

Irate Driver Inadvertently Flips Off Own Grandma

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:32:23 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Regional Urban Locality, June 22, 2016

A local man, Henry Dribbler, told reporters today he was distraught to have discovered that the driver to whom he flipped the bird yesterday was none other than his own maternal grandmother, Sue Ellen Fecundite.

House Committee Members Star Struck at Roger Clemens Hearing

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:23:35 +0000

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer
Washington, D.C., February 13, 2008

Roger Clemens appeared today to testify before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform's full committee hearing on "The Mitchell Report: The Illegal Use of Steroids in Major League Baseball, Day 2". Observers got a taste what was to come at 10:00 AM when Mr. Clemens arrived at the entrance of the Rayburn House Office Building to cheers of "Rocket" by congressional staffers, many sporting oversized foam #1 hands and holding Clemens bobbleheads.

Study: American Celebrities Now Outnumber Fans

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 14:52:13 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Los Angeles, March 19, 2010

Andy Warhol's famous phrase, In the future, everyone will be fat and slightly stupid, correctly prognosticated two alarming social trends that have led to a sharp rise in the incidences of heart disease, diabetes, right-wing talk radio and other obesity-related maladies among the ever-larger American populace. What the eccentric 1960s pop artist failed to predict, however, is another trend that now has sociological statisticians scratching their unkempt scalps: the remarkable rise in short-term celebrity status among citizens from all walks of life.

Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 16:45:01 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
New York, February 16, 2008

Jesus of Nazareth, popularly perceived as the Son of God, announced his endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama yesterday during a rare guest appearance on CBS' Late Show with David Letterman. The appearance was the first time Jesus has returned to earth with the specific goal of endorsing a political candidate, several pundits and religious scholars agreed, and may in fact be the first recorded reappearance ever of the widely admired supernatural entity.

In Quest for Conservative Credentials, McCain Burns Witch

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:49:42 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Alexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008

Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.

God Contrite About "Collateral Damage" in Huckabee Tornado Smite Attempt

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 12:31:48 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Omnipresence, February 8, 2008

God, ruler of the universe and supreme arbiter of the weather, said today He was "deeply sorry" for the many casualties incurred during His attempt to smite Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee with a tornado during Super Tuesday primary election voting earlier this week.

Mitt Romney Secretly Prime Minister of Canada

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:52:43 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Ottawa, Canada, February 5, 2008

Late into Super Tuesday primary election voting today, two intrepid investigative journalists with the Washington Post revealed that Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for president, has for over two years also been the Canadian Prime Minister. The discovery is expected to throw some doubt on the future of Mr. Romney's campaign.

Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 14:55:44 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2008

An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, a conservative group, lamented that the budget proposal represents his last chance to shaft the poor. He urged the assembled audience to do everything in their powers to convince their elected representatives that the budget proposal represented an historic opportunity that may not return for a decade or more.

Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 11:50:23 +0000

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Washington, D.C., May 19, 2008

In a bi-partisan, largely symbolic gesture intended to draw attention to the faltering US economy and its impact on the vanishing middle class, Congress agreed today to no longer provide free booze at government-sponsored events. The BYOB agreement is expected to save American taxpayers up to $291 million annually.